


Under My Skin

by CobaltStargazer



Series: Hiding In Plain Sight [4]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Emotional Infidelity, F/F, F/M, Marriage, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Workplace Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-03
Updated: 2014-05-03
Packaged: 2018-01-21 18:26:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1559837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CobaltStargazer/pseuds/CobaltStargazer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neither of them have admitted it out loud yet, but something's going on</p>
            </blockquote>





	Under My Skin

It was just drinks after work. Again.

It was the proximity to each other, or at least that was what Alex kept telling herself. She and Erin worked together, and it would have been noticed if they weren't at least cordial to one another. Someone would have commented on it, asked if something was amiss. Wasn't it better to keep up appearances by maintaining a civil relationship?

It sounded perfectly reasonable, at least when she was pretending she didn't know what she was doing.

They also had a standing date to get together and play handball once a week, at the gym where Erin had a membership. The blonde was surprisingly athletic for someone who was part of the brass, and Alex was always ridiculously proud of the bruises she sported the next day, trophies of collisions with the other woman. A little competitiveness was good. Healthy, even.

_Bullshit. You just want the chance to slam up against her and act like you don't enjoy it._

In her bigger moments of rationalization, the brunette held James responsible. Her husband had made note of the budding friendship and encouraged her to spend time with Erin because he was away so often. She alternated between feeling gratitude for his trust and aggravation that he was flirting with disaster. Or was _she_ the one who was flirting with disaster? She couldn't even allow herself to think that flirting came into the equation, at least not consciously. She loved James and would never hurt him deliberately. But she couldn't pass up the chance to get a bit of attention.

Alex adjusted her jacket on her shoulders as she walked down the corridor towards Erin's office. It was seven o clock in the evening. She had purposely dawdled until shift change, because that was when everyone was distracted with either getting out of the building or getting into it on time. Easier to avoid random passers-by that way. The linguist tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear, rapped lightly on the closed door. A muted voice inside said, "Come in," and she turned the knob and poked her head inside.

"Are you almost ready to go?"

This was a mistake. Erin knew it was a mistake. She'd agreed to drinks once because she'd wanted to clear the air, make it plain that what happened at Christmas was her fault and would never happen again, but it hadn't turned out the way she'd planned. She and Alex had been wary of each other at first, a little uncomfortable, and then the brunette had started talking about a film she'd seen. That had broken the tension, and after a bit the two of them were chatting more amiably. It turned out that they enjoyed many of the same films, and that she had actually read the book Alex wrote. She had been embarrassed that she hadn't made the connection, and the other woman had said that not many people knew she was a published author.

Things had progressed from drinks after hours to the occasional dinner at a restaurant Erin liked, and she was absurdly dismayed to discover that she actually enjoyed Alex's company. She'd hoped they wouldn't have anything in common so that she could discourage further contact, and she was so nettled when that turned out not to be the case that she went home and picked a fight with her husband for no reason. They had since made up, but the blonde knew that outbursts like that would raise questions. She would have to control herself.

Still, she gave Alex a smile when she saw her hovering in the doorway. "I'm just putting away the last of these files," she said," holding up some folders before opening the top drawer of the cabinet. There were rustling noises as papers brushed together, and the drawer squeaked when she closed it. She arranged her features into a neutral expression as she turned to face the brunette. This was the last time. Really.

"Have you cleared your desk?"

"Everything's taken care of," Alex said with a nod. She was studiously trying to avoid noticing that Erin was wearing something new. The blonde stuck to tailored outfits in dark colors, but she looked particularly sharp today. Not just sharp, she looked _sexy_.

The brunette slapped the thought away immediately, swatting at it mentally as if it were an annoying fly. To acknowledge that this was anything other than two colleagues getting together for a companionable drink would cross the line, and she wasn't about to do that. It was ridiculous anyway. They were friends, sort of, and that was all.

_Yeah, bullshit._

It had crossed Erin's mind that Alex had gotten her hair cut, and then she'd ignored the thought. She'd become adept at compartmentalization during the span of her career, and after a while it had begun to bleed into her personal life. Even at home. In the corner of her mind that she had walled off, she had a fleeting thought that the brunette was very attractive. Then she added more bricks to the wall. 

"Should we take my car?" the linguist asked. "I can bring you back here if you'd like, or we can drive separately."

"That would be fine. For us to take your car. Traffic's probably lightened by now, and later it'll be even easier to get home. Just let me get my jacket."

Erin collected her jacket from the back of her chair and put it on, and the two women exited her office and started off down the hall. Erin was trying to rehearse what she wanted to say. It wasn't going to be easy, but this whole thing was bringing too many thoughts to the surface. Too many _feelings_. Unacknowledged or not, they were dangerous.

The drive was uneventful, and the two of them made desultory small talk in the car. By silent mutual agreement, neither of them mentioned James. Erin's husband didn't come up either. The late evening was clear and cool. They ended up at their usual place, a bar frequented by Bureau types. Where it wouldn't be unusual for them to be spotted together.

Inside, they ordered gimlets and took a table near the back. "We need to talk about something, Alex," Erin said, toying with her glass. 

The brunette eyed the other woman, then looked down into the contents of her drink. "All right," she said warily. The gimlet looked tempting, but she didn't pick it up. She was trying to find the bottom of her stomach, which seemed to have disappeared into her feet.

_Do it. Do it now. Pull the Band Aid off all at once and it will be over. Then you don't have to talk about it again._

"I think we shouldn't spend so much time together."

Erin's voice was low but cautiously firm, and she looked up to see Alex's brow furrow, as if the brunette were confused. The frown lines deepened, and the blonde held the eye contact steadily. Trying to say it without saying why. If she said why, that would be a step too far.

"Did I do something to offend you, Erin?" Alex's voice held a querulous note, and she resented it. She hadn't done anything wrong. If anything, she'd done everything _too_ right. She picked up her drink, had a sip. The lime juice was sharp on her tongue. She thought about James, who was doing a twelve-hour shift while she sat in a bar with a woman who was almost a friend, and yet something more as well. "Did I make you angry?"

"I'm not angry, Alex," Erin said evenly. "I just think it would be a good idea if we don't see each other so often. The dinners, the drinks, the handball, it should taper off. It isn't...it isn't appropriate."

Alex stiffened in her chair, and she had the asinine urge to throw the rest of her drink in the other woman's face. Exactly what was Erin implying? She hadn't over-stepped the boundaries, had observed the proprieties in every instance. When she hadn't even admitted to herself that this was more than what it seemed, she could hardly admit it to someone else either. The brunette cleared her throat, and there was the slightest note of hurt in her voice when she spoke.

"Are you breaking up with me, Erin?"

Erin heard the hurt, heard it and wished she didn't. Six months had passed since she'd kissed Alex on Christmas, and while she couldn't admit it out loud, her subconscious played the memory over and over again. She steeled herself. "Don't be so dramatic," she said in a clipped voice. "We can still associate, I'd just prefer that we do it within the office instead of elsewhere. To avoid..."

Her words faltered, and Alex's look sharpened. Something was at work here, just out of reach. But she wasn't brave enough to reach for it, to confront it directly. Maybe it _would_ be better if they didn't see each other so much. Perhaps there had been gossip in the office. In a close environment, people talked, that was just a fact, and when everyone you worked with could find out your business if they tried hard enough, scandal was easy to create. Alex searched her memory for something she had done or said that seemed inappropriate. Searched and found nothing. But perhaps it would be better if they tapered off.

Then why was she suddenly so unhappy?

"All right," she said quietly, and her posture slumped before she made herself straighten up again. She was a grown woman, not an adolescent girl. And she hadn't been dumped. "You're probably right, anyway. I could stand to spend more time with James before he has to go out of the country again. Since I never know when he'll have to leave, it pays to stay close in case he gets a call that says he's needed."

"I'm sure he'll be glad to have your attention," Erin said, her voice just as quiet, and she put her hand on Alex's shoulder, fingers making contact with the tan cloth of her jacket. The diamond in her wedding ring caught the light and glittered in response to it. The brunette looked at her, covered her hand with one of her own.

 _Kiss me again._ The unbidden thought was so loud that for one second the brunette thought she'd vocalized the words. _If whatever this is ends tonight, kiss me one more time. I'll let you, and then we'll never mention it again._ But she lacked the courage to say it aloud, or even admit that she'd thought it.

Erin felt the pull, wanted to ease the unspoken unhappiness she could read in Alex's face, and her fingers tightened on the linguist's shoulder momentarily. Their table was close to the back wall. The bar wasn't very crowded yet. Later, the establishment would probably be packed, but the rush hadn't hit yet. What was one more slip-up?

The blonde leaned in, and Alex moved almost at the same time. Erin kissed her slow and soft, and the brunette was the first one to open her mouth this time. It was the only concession she could make, and one that she was planning to try and forget. Their tongues did a tentative dance together, a dance that was tinged with regret.

Alex broke the kiss, took her hand back. Her drink was still three quarters full. She was horny and miserable, and the worst part was that she couldn't tell which feeling was more prevalent. James had better be in the mood after some dinner and some sleep. She couldn't look at Erin.

"You want another round after this?"

"Yes," the blonde said. Her hand had left its post on the linguist's shoulder. She felt bereft. Bereft and aroused. If she couldn't distract her husband from whatever book he was currently reading tonight, she'd be forced to deal with the matter herself. "I'm sorry about this, Alex."

"No." The brunette's voice was calm, and she lifted her shoulders in a shrug. "Don't apologize. It's better if we back off before something happens." Now she just had to make herself believe that. "We'll have a couple of more rounds, and then I'll take you back to your car. You'll be home before nine."

They'd seen each other tomorrow, only by then they would respectively be 'Chief Strauss' and 'Dr. Blake'. Erin and Alex would be forgotten, or at least be downplayed. Sacrifices were inevitable when you were fighting not to acknowledge something. This...whatever it was... was just the latest casualty.


End file.
